First day of school nerves? How to help your child settle in

A new bag, a new teacher or form tutor, a classroom full of unfamiliar faces. The first day of school is a big moment, for your child and often for you too. Whether your little one is starting primary school or your child is moving up to secondary school: first day of school nerves are part of it.

In this article you'll read how to prepare your child, how to keep the morning calm, why children often let off steam after school and when it's time to ask for help.

Why first day of school nerves are so common

Everything is new: the people, the rules, the building and the rhythm of the day. A child has to pay attention all day, adapt and keep it together.

For a young child starting school, it's often the first time spending a whole day in a big group. For a child starting secondary school, a lot changes at once: lots of teachers, different classrooms, a new class and often a longer journey to school. Nerves are a logical reaction then. They don't mean things are going wrong.

Preparing your child for the first day of school

Preparation helps, but keep it light. Children quickly pick up on it when you're nervous yourself.

1. Use the settling-in days. Many schools offer a few settling-in days before the start; ask the school how they handle it. For secondary school, many schools organise an introduction afternoon before the summer.
2. Walk or cycle the route together. Practising a few times makes the way familiar, ideally once at school time.
3. Talk about it calmly. Explain what's going to happen and ask what your child is looking forward to and what they're worried about.
4. Read a picture book about starting school. For young children, a story is often easier than a conversation.
5. Practise the practical things. Putting on a coat, opening a lunchbox, reading a timetable. What your child can do on their own doesn't have to feel scary on the day.
6. Practise short goodbyes. An afternoon with grandma and grandad lets your child experience that you always come back.

What should your child take on the first day of school?

Ask the school what's needed. For a young child starting school, this is often enough:

• a backpack your child can open and close on their own;
• a lunchbox and drinks bottle your child can open on their own;
• spare clothes, especially if your child is only just potty trained;
• PE shoes, if the school asks for them.

Put your child's name on everything. Let your child choose the bag or bottle themselves, so it feels more like their own.

What your child can do on their own doesn't have to feel scary on the day.

The morning itself: a short, fixed goodbye

A calm morning starts the evening before. Lay out the clothes and the bag together and stick to the usual bedtime.

• Choose a fixed goodbye ritual together, such as a hug, a high five or a wave at the window.
• Ask your child what gives them something to hold on to, like a small cuddly toy or a photo from home in their bag. Check with the teacher whether that's allowed.
• Say clearly when you'll be back: "I'll pick you up after playtime."
• Don't linger, even if your child cries. The teacher will help your child from there.
• Don't sneak away. Saying goodbye is part of it.

A child starting secondary school probably doesn't want to be waved off at the gate. A "Good luck" at the front door is enough then.

From the last year of primary to secondary school

In older children the nerves are less visible, but often just as big. "Will I fit in?" and "What if I get lost?" play in the background, along with homework and planning.

• Listen first. Ask how your child tackled something before you come up with a solution.
• Help them keep track. A weekly planner or a fixed homework time can bring calm. But let your child do the planning themselves.
• Give it time. New classmates, new teachers and the tiredness that comes with it: settling in takes a few weeks.
• Get to know the form tutor. They are the first point of contact if something comes up.

After school: room to let off steam

Many parents know it well: the teacher says everything went fine, and at home your child bursts into tears or gets angry over nothing. That's often a release. Your child has held it together all day and, at home, in the safest place, lets go of everything they've been holding in. Read more about emotional release after a hard day.

1. Rest first, then talk. Something to drink, something to eat and a moment of doing nothing.
2. Ask small questions. Instead of "How was it?", "What made you laugh?" often works better.
3. Plan little. Keep afternoons quiet and playdates limited. Playing outside can actually give energy back.
4. Keep the rhythm. Regular meals and an early enough bedtime, perhaps a little earlier for a young child in the first weeks. A steady daily routine for your child and a calm bedtime routine help with this.

A brief step back is also normal: more clinginess or tears at bedtime again. Don't make a big deal of it. It usually passes once the new rhythm feels familiar.

Your child has held it together all day and, at home, in the safest place, lets go of everything they've been holding in.

A familiar cuddly toy as a calm spot at home

After a day full of stimulation, something soft to hold can help your child land. Many young children reach for their favourite cuddly toy after school all by themselves.

A weighted stuffed animal is another option for home. A Hugsback weighs 2 kg, is approximately 45 cm long and is filled with fine glass beads, distributed throughout the whole body. The weight feels like a calm hug. Many children and parents experience it as a lovely moment of rest: a few minutes on the sofa with the plush on their lap, a book to go with it, and letting the day settle.

Let your child choose which animal will be waiting for them at home: the Elephant, the Turtle, the Dog or the Horse. What your child has chosen themselves feels familiar more quickly.

A weighted plush toy belongs at home, not in the school bag. At 2 kg it's too heavy to carry around, and it doesn't need to be: it waits for your child when they come home.

• Suitable for children aged 3 and over.
• Always voluntary: your child picks it up themselves and can push it away on their own.
• Never on the face, and never as a punishment or to keep your child still.

Children starting secondary school often enjoy a moment of rest like this too, even if they might not say so out loud.

When the nerves don't go away

Settling in is different for every child. One child feels at home after a week, another after a few months. Do keep an eye out for signs that things aren't getting better:

• after a few weeks, your child still doesn't want to go to school every morning;
• they often complain of tummy aches or headaches on school days;
• they sleep badly or are low or angry for a long time;
• they talk about bullying or say that nobody plays with them.

Then talk to the teacher or form tutor first. Together you can look at what helps, such as a regular buddy or a different moment for saying goodbye. If the complaints continue, you can also turn to your health visitor, the school nurse or your GP.

Frequently asked questions

How do you prepare your child for the first day of school?

Visit the school together, use the settling-in days, practise the route and talk about it lightly.

Can my child take a cuddly toy to school?

That differs per school, so ask the teacher. A weighted stuffed animal is better left at home, as a calm spot after school.

Does a young child have to go to school for full days straight away?

Not always. Rules differ per country and school; ask the school whether your child can start with shorter days.

What should your child be able to do when they start school?

It helps if your child can go to the toilet on their own, wash their hands, put on their coat and open their lunchbox. Practise this calmly at home, without pressure. If something doesn't work yet, just talk to the school about it.

Why is my child so tired or angry after school?

A school day takes a lot of adapting and concentration. At home your child lets the tension go. Rest and few plans usually help most.

Finally

A first day of school is a step, for your child and for you. With a little preparation, a short goodbye and a warm home to land in after school, your child will grow into it at their own pace. Also read all about a weighted stuffed animal for your child or about a comfort plush for sadness and homesickness.